When a total evacuation is in order....

On Wednesday I was up for my yearly large in-tes-tine review.

In case you are in the dark about colonoscopies I'll tell you a few of the details...the day before the test the lucky s-o-b getting the test eats a liquid diet.

Eat a liquid diet... cruel in the sense that liquids aren't chewable.

I need to chew when I eat, so slurping could never, ever be considered "dinner".

That means that on Monday, the day of my "last supper", theoretically speaking, I should be mowe'n anything that ain't mowe'n me...

Well, a novice may think that that is the smart thing to do,

but for one who has had more colonoscopies than I care to talk about (unless I run into an intense case of writer's block, then anything becomes fair game)

I'd like to say that you should stop eating about a week or two before the procedure.

Sips of water don't count...have as much of that as you wish.

All kidding aside,  the amount of cheese I'd eaten in the last week had me fighting the urge to have a panic attack.

No worries though... I've come to learn that you could eat a Cadillac and the "prep" will take care of it... I promise. 

As a matter of fact, you could eat two.

It seems I get smarter each and every time I get ready to have one of these procedures.

On Tuesday I begin to wonder how is it that they instruct a person to take 4 laxative pills in one gulp...FOUR (F-O-U-R times the recommended dosage)... how "safe" can that be?

I prayed for iron kidneys as I down the pills... (I pray not to perish, perched on the "ring"... good gawd)

Next up was the self-made poisonous Gatorade... (I didn't care which color I chose, but if you have a fondness for Gatorade I suggest you choose a color you would never, ever drink under normal circumstances, because once this baby is done and over with you won't look at that sports drink the same way ever again)

The instructions said to pour an entire 238g bottle of Miralax into a 64 ounce container of Gatorade.... (a 238g sized bottle of Miralax is the dosage for 14 day's worth of unclogging a back-door operating system..14 days worth, to be consumed over the next 3 hours)

To put this into a more horrifying perspective, you could conclude that if you were using this product according to manufacture's directions you would be using it over a 336 hour period.

Add to that the 4 day's worth of laxative pills...  (I'm here to tell you (confidently) that you could also eat an SUV with that Cadillac and your colon would be pure as driven snow for the look-see the next day.)

To the owner of an over active imagination (or someone claiming to have even an iota of common sense) 18 day's worth of laxative products meant to be used over a course of 432 hours but instead used over an 8 hour period could be called nothing less than a Kamikaze mission...

Scared shitless...ahhh, now I get it.