Apologies.... who are they really for?

I think we've talked before about an odd personality quirk I possess.

Well, one of many, I guess.

This particular one has me keeping things real.

Of course, real, as I see it or feel it.

So if I've gifted you, (be it with my time or a cupcake or even a huge chunk of my heart) I want you to be completely overly over the top thankful and demonstrative of the fact that you are overly over the top grateful and thankful and stunned and just really seriously tickled half to death...

yeah, sick (and a bit odd), sigh... I know.

The same thing if you've wronged me.

I'd like for you to be downright down on your knees begging for forgiveness, wanting to be pardoned, excused, trying with all your might to make things right.

that's just how I feel

Now, with all that explained, I'd like to explain that that is exactly how I believe myself to behave in similar situations..

In other words, I don't expect you to do cartwheels of joy over gifts from me or kiss my arse for 17 minutes straight after breaking my heart without expecting me to do the same for/to you should a situation requiring these actions arise.

But how you take my heartfelt, and totally sincere offerings is really up to you...no?

Of course it is.

So who really has control here?

Is it really even about control?

I'm not sure and I really never gave "it" a thought...

until yesterday.

One of my loveables who may or may not have been the catalyst that started the cluster fluck that nearly took down Thug High was having a really bad day yesterday.

She has, for most of her time with us, been the "golden girl".

She's heard us talk out loud about her "different-ness" and her likeability factor.

She's one of my favorite loveables of all time (and yes, if you're some oddball track keeper I DO say that about almost all of them at one time or another....your point is???)

Anyway, this chicky baby is one of my all time favorites... and she has taken a fall from grace.

Well, she has and she hasn't.

I mean, after you've been on this earth a minute* or two you come to know that people act like total assholes on occasion and you expect to forgive them and move on and not hold a grudge.

(I'm using the word "minute" referencing The Urban Dictionary's definition of the word which means "a very long time")

And that they would afford you the same courtesy.

Kiss kiss make up and move yer azz forward.

So after a lengthy emotional tug of war my bff loveable admitted to me that maybe, just maybe, she needed to apologize to some of the staff for how she acted and how her actions may have spurred or started all the trouble of the past week or so.

I wholeheartedly agreed that if she felt the need to apologize than that is probably what she should do.

The crack up is that after she made that determination (the process which was much like a long laboring, all natural, vaginal breech birth) she said "but if the staff doesn't take my apology or if they say something that makes me mad or pisses me off, I may not be responsible for how I respond, I may go "OFF" on them.

I may explode and do something I regret".

Okey-dokey then...

So WHO exactly is the apology for...? I wonder, first to myself, and then aloud.

And why exactly are you giving it?

Questions I often don't ask myself before I go into apology mode.

For me, I guess I just act on emotion.

I feel bad I wronged you and I want to make it better.

However, what if I go into apology mode and you totally bite me like a snake, do I (or should I) bite you back?

Take it as my just deserts...?

Lick my new wound(s) and move on?

Forgive (when initially I was the forgiver and now I must be the forgivee...??) and forget?

Ohhh brother...

"Are you sorry?" I ask

"Figure out what you are sorry for" I advise.

"and then sincerely apologize"

"What if they don't take the apology?" she asks.

"I don't think you can control how they'll react" I answer.

"It's a chance that you have to take, but you don't have to take it" I say, hoping she gets it.

Later, I think long and hard about this conversation and still I have no idea how to answer the question that doesn't seem to have an answer.

Who exactly is an apology for...?

The one who gives it or the one it is given to.....?

A question that may not have an answer.

What comes first the chicken or the egg...?

Do stairs go up or down?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If someone farts in the woods and there is no one around to hear it, is it still funny?

Okay, I'm done now.

My brain is threatening to explode.