Thursday, September 1, 2011

Our load of loveables has been steadily declining for a few weeks now.

As of this writing, we have three male youth and one female.

The pretty blond girl loveable is quiet and keeps to herself (or hangs with the adults and pretends to be staff) which means the boys pay her little or no attention which is nice..

No boy/girl drama to contend with.

The boy loveables are cooperative and eager to do what they are asked to do.

The ebb and flow of our program is what keeps me going... a bad day lasts about as long as a super horrible loveable.... just long enough to make you realize when you got it good.

Lately, it's been pretty much all good.

Except for last Wednesday, which started out bad, turned okay, went sour again and stayed that way (mostly)...

Wednesdays are normally a cluster fu*k where I work.... a Thug High reunion each and every Wednesday afternoon in the hallway just outside our "class room" door.

So this past Wednesday things were going surprisingly well as staff had managed to connect an invisible fence (sans the shocking component.. darn-it) and keep the Day Treatment Loveables in one spot (they scatter like cockroaches when they are able to escape through the cafeteria doors and join the "gang")...

The loveables had satisfied their responsibilities in culinary class and we were chillin.

Wednesday was turning into a beautiful day,

so we allowed the loveables to move out into the hallway where the drug screens are held.

When all the testing was done the screeners (the pee experts from the county) were gathering their things and moving toward the door.

As we shot the bull in the hallway I decided that all this pee activity had me thinking that I needed to take a pee too.

When I entered the small bathroom I smelled cigarette smoke.

Not an unusual occurrence in our smoke free building.

Our building has a good sized staff and a large population of quirky visitors daily.

Many of those quirky visitors apparently don't read and/or are disregardful of picture signs telling them NO SMOKING or THIS IS A SMOKE FREE BUILDING.

At the same moment I was entering the bathroom staff began gathering loveables to go back to their classroom to finish some computer work.

They began calling for one male youth who was nowhere in sight.

When I entered the little girls room I said (to the quirky smokestack who's feet I could see planted on the floor in one of the two stalls in the small room) "HEY A(sswipe) you had better not be smoking in the girls bathroom"....

(Just to clarify things, in case your bloomers have just made their way into a bunch... I called out the missing loveable's  real name, which starts with A... I would tell you what that name was and that I didn't really refer to him as Asswipe, I would tell you that information if I didn't have to respect the confidentiality statement I signed when I got my position...)

Carrying on...

My passive/aggressive tactic in calling out the loveable's name was to give a heads up to my bathroom mate Puff the Magic Dragon that there was a non smoking posse waiting on the other side of the door...waiting for the sole purpose of seeing the nervy rule breaking quirk-ster in person.

I wanted to say "LADY!!!! THERE IS NO SMOKING IN THIS BUILDING"...but I had to pee really bad and didn't want to be trapped in a stall next to a quirky lady who I'd just called out on her boorish behavior.

As I peed and gave the silent treatment (other than my tinkling pee) to the quirky rule breaker I could hear staff searching for the missing loveable.

Loveables don't go missing much so when they do we take it seriously...

We take it especially seriously when our Big Boss Bossman comes down to the drug screen hallway right at the very moment that that the staff is beginning to panic (and get really pissed off) that we've lost a teenage criminal in our building.

Big Boss Bossman takes a seat and observes our search team in action.

Meanwhile, I am tidying up my hands after my lengthy pee and still... STILL Puff, my stall neighbor hasn't made a move toward evacuating herself from the privacy of her stall.

It was obvious the wench was laying low...waiting for us to leave the hallway before she made a move.

We staff were beginning to feel the heat of a missing loveable...

The situation, made hotter when the Big Boss Bossman continues to sit at the drug screen table waiting for Puff to make her move and we still haven't located the AWOL loveable.

When I finished with my bathroom business another staff member went into the restroom.

Smokestack had raised her feet and was perched on the toilet seat.

The staff member said she peeked through the large crack that all stalls have and could see Puff teetering on the pot.

"WAIT A MINUTE" the staff member said when she came out of the bathroom..."WHAT COLOR SHIRT WAS Apeman wearing?"

Everyone thought a minute and came up with "red"....

Well if you're as fine a detective as I think you are then you figured out that the male loveable was the one hiding in the stall and smoking in the girls room.

An ingenious plan, if you ask me.

Since our intimate encounter last Wednesday I find it hard to look the kid in the eye...

I temper that by thinking of being more prepared should something like this ever happen again.

Ohhh the fun I can imagine myself having...

Straight from the "things to do to freak out your bathroom stall-mate" vault...

1. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

2. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

3. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

6. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

7. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

8.  Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy girl!"

9. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

10. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

11. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

12. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

13. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

14. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

15. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

16. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

hahahahahahahahh..... I'll get that sucka (or one just like him) next time.


  1. Dear Funny ppb: Great blog...I would love for you to address more on this story...What did he say after getting caught? How did you all get him out of the girls bathroom? Did he actually know that he was in the girls bathroom? If so he is smarter than you all may have given him credit for...I am still laughing at the "plans" for the next one. You are still the champion. You are so good at "painting pictures with words" I loved this one...LOL Marmie

  2. Omg. I totally cracked up reading your list. What great fun those ideas would be...


Some bloggers write "gimme me some love".... as far as I'm concerned, I'd love some love, but I'd even take some hate, some expressions of your disgust, your outrage, mild irritation, sheer joy...whatever, I can take it, honestly I can. Just please (please) leave a comment or two and let me know what you think. Merci.