Monday, February 20, 2012


Two of my very favorite women lost a child last week.

I'm no stranger to watching women bury children, wish I were though.

I remember being a teenager and attending a funeral for a classmate whose lifeless body was found in the woods near the path we took to get to school.

At two different funerals and years apart from one another the boy's mother and an aunt of mine attending the funeral for their boys both had to be helped down the aisle toward their seats, held up on either side by a couple of strong young men, feet dragging behind them and heads hanging so low their chins rested on their chests.

I won't go into detail about Marmie at my brother's funeral... I'll just say it was the most heartbreaking thing I'd ever seen.

And hope to ever see.

Being witness to that kind of grief was scary enough when I was not a mother, now, it is simply terrifying.

I seriously beg God to never ever test my faith by taking back my children before me.

( If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you. - Winnie the Pooh)

At my cousin Bill's funeral Saturday his mother held tightly onto my hand and walked me around the room, pointing to the things that represented Bill's life.

His bass guitar.

A really neat Burt & Ernie set that sat on a pedestal to the left behind his casket.

Beautiful flowers with lovely notes attached.

Lots and lots of pictures featuring Billy at all stages.

With his sisters, in his baseball uniform, his first bike.... a life, much too short, but certainly well lived.

And well loved.

His mom told me how thoughts of Bill meeting up with his dad and grandpa(s) in Heaven soothes her aching soul and makes it almost bearable.

She pulls me close "I'm so happy he's out of pain" she whispers in my ear "but gosh darnit, I am going to miss that kid so so so sooo much."  

One of my old dolls also lost a child.

She has no idea that she did.

She sits in her recliner and munches on orange jelly candies and watches Lawrence Welk videos.

And once a week she gets her hair done.

Occasionally I'll ask her a question about her family, she's a twin, but usually doesn't remember that.

She also usually has no clue what her husband's name was.

Or what he did for a living.

She does remember her children.

Her daughter's faces (and their names).

She doesn't recall how often they visit...which is good.

My old doll's family has decided that she would not and could not live on with the knowledge that her daughter is no longer here on earth.

I agree with them.

She's seen many, many sun's rise and set and weathered tons of storms I'm sure, but I know in my heart that learning of her daughter's passing would be too much for this frail old woman.

It takes longer than a lifetime for a mother to learn to live with the loss of a child.

My heart is filled with compassion for these mothers who've lost their children. 

Even the one who has no idea she has.

PS..thanks for listening.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. I'm sorry for those mentioned loses. I just received a news awhile ago that our friend who's waiting for a long time to get pregnant, just lost the baby. It is heartbreaking of course and for me terrifying too, we're newly weds too and will be trying for a baby somehow soon.

    February 20, 2012 9:34 AM

  3. :'( Ohhh, that just twisted up my heart. Gonna give my babies extra hugs today...


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