I'll admit it here, out loud, for the first time that I have shower anxiety.
I totally blame it on Alfred Hitchcock, Janet Leigh and the shower scene from Psycho.
(If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend that you do NOT)
I don't like taking showers when no one else is home to help prevent Norman Bates (don't look him up) or any act-alikes from invading my bathroom space.
While I'm showering I always imagine I hear things.
The thought of which causes me to open my eyes in order to scan the small area where I stand naked and poised for victim-dome.
Which leads to shampoo and/or face soap entering and stinging my eyes.
Forcing a total head submersion (including both ears) under the shower stream.
Leading (of course) to total blindness, deafness and a vulnerability I'd rather not have (or even think about having).
So yesterday, for the millionth time this scene, in all it's insane insanity, played itself out.
I was under the water rinsing the soap from my eyes.
With that accomplished I tilted my head all the way back, stuck it under the shower head and rinsed the shampoo from my hair.
For a single solitary 30 seconds or so I was off guard and totally enjoying a moment free from thoughts of being attacked and stabbed to death in the shower.
As I brought my head forward, I slid my hands down from the top of my head towards the ends of my hair to get most of the water out.
Instantly I froze and took note of my surroundings.
My eyes confirming what my gut had just told me.
Something/someone..??? was in the bathroom with me.
And that something/someone was attached to a cell phone that was being held up over the shower curtain recording my every move.
In an instant I did a memory scan (did I just wash my butt twice while on camera...?)
I bit my lower lip and without saying one word I looked straight into the camera and shook my head.
Wordlessly I picked up both hands and flipped the camera off.
F-u style.
The perpetrator had no idea that I was on to him and that he was being observed.
I watched as he silently pulled his recording device from the spot above my head.
I gave him a second or two to get out of the bathroom.
While he was outside the door reviewing his "catch", I was on the other side of the bathroom door planning my retaliation.
I'd left the shower running and hid, dripping wet, behind the bathroom door.
It didn't take him long to watch the small film, see that he'd been caught, and turn to come back into the bathroom.
The counterattack was unexpected and (I might add) hilarious.
He fought me for all he was worth.
I punched him and called him names like "pervert" and "faaaa-reeeeeek".
I yelled "that'll teach ya" as I slapped at his head and tried to bite his arm.
After more than 30 years you'd think he'd learn.
Showing posts with label You fill my heart with laughter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label You fill my heart with laughter. Show all posts
Monday, August 20, 2012
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
He calls it likes he sees it.....( yes, there is an extra "s" in there)
Daddio has a date in court this morning.
Seems his foot was a tad too heavy on the gas pedal a month or so back.
A cop took offense at seeing him whiz by going over the posted speed...
wayyy over the posted speed.
Now Daddio hasn't had a speeding ticket for years, lately he's into relaxed Sunday driver mode..tooling along at usually just about 5 mph under the posted speed.
This particular day Daddio had taken a treacherous jaunt over to Ann Arbor to see a guy about an amp.
On the way there he encountered a myriad of irritating drivers, tailgaters, lane hogs, texters and an entire Retirement Village of blue hairs.
On the way home he ran into a butt load of construction and a dead train.
The dead train was the catalyst that catapulted Daddio to offender status.
Well that and his overfilled bladder.
Since the train was dead and hadn't moved in almost 30 minutes Daddio's patience was at a negative and pulled a u-ie and gunned the car engine like he was preparing for take-off...
Anyway, today is the day Daddio learns his destiny.
I wouldn't normally be talking this over dramatic about a simple traffic ticket...but Daddio got me to thinking last night just as I was about to drift off to sleep....
"Well, tomorrow I'll probably end up in the State Pen" he said "I'm goin up the river"...
"You go ahead and get remarried" he generously offered "don't wait for me".
I smiled in the darkness at his silliness.
Some time in the wee hours of the morning I woke with a start.
Daddio was going to jail.
As clear as the day it happened I had a memory of sitting in court next to Daddio.
We both watched, transfixed, as the man with the gavel spoke and judged person after person.
"How do you plead?" Mr. Judge asked...
and person after person after person after person after person, no matter what the offense was or what the plea was, the outcome was judged the same.
Each and every person...
GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY....
And then came Daddio's turn.
Fresh off a diet of too many Clint Eastwood movies and The Billy Jack Trilogy certainly had my young Daddio not thinking straight as was evidenced by the following exchange.
After raising his hand and swearing to be be truthful, Daddio looked toward the Judge.
"How do you plead, young man?" the Judge asked.
"Ummm, does it matter?" Daddio asked smugly "does it really even matter what I plead?"
Holy freakin shit...Daddio just said... "does it matter what I plead?" to the Judge!!!
"YOU SIR ARE ASKING...NO SIR!!! YOU ARE BEGGING... FOR A CONTEMPT OF COURT CHARGE" Mr Judge spat at a grinning Daddio.
The Judge's nostrils flared and he glared at Daddio over the top of his reading glasses.
He tapped on his desk waiting for a more appropriate response.
The rest of the story is a blur.
Luckily, Daddio came to his senses and made the wise decision to play by the rules.
But he'd angered the Judge and he didn't go easy on him.
Daddio paid a hefty fine for his freedom.
I hadn't thought about that day in court for years....
Daddio was a young kid then, filled with ideas of right and wrong.
He called it like he saw it.
Billy Jack and Clint Eastwood would have been proud.
In real life Daddio's learned a thing or two along the way.
More than likely he'll be a bit intimidated and genuinely respectful today in court.
And he'll keep his trap clamped.
I'm scared though....
I don't have it in me to break in another one.
Seems his foot was a tad too heavy on the gas pedal a month or so back.
A cop took offense at seeing him whiz by going over the posted speed...
wayyy over the posted speed.
Now Daddio hasn't had a speeding ticket for years, lately he's into relaxed Sunday driver mode..tooling along at usually just about 5 mph under the posted speed.
This particular day Daddio had taken a treacherous jaunt over to Ann Arbor to see a guy about an amp.
On the way there he encountered a myriad of irritating drivers, tailgaters, lane hogs, texters and an entire Retirement Village of blue hairs.
On the way home he ran into a butt load of construction and a dead train.
The dead train was the catalyst that catapulted Daddio to offender status.
Well that and his overfilled bladder.
Since the train was dead and hadn't moved in almost 30 minutes Daddio's patience was at a negative and pulled a u-ie and gunned the car engine like he was preparing for take-off...
Anyway, today is the day Daddio learns his destiny.
I wouldn't normally be talking this over dramatic about a simple traffic ticket...but Daddio got me to thinking last night just as I was about to drift off to sleep....
"Well, tomorrow I'll probably end up in the State Pen" he said "I'm goin up the river"...
"You go ahead and get remarried" he generously offered "don't wait for me".
I smiled in the darkness at his silliness.
Some time in the wee hours of the morning I woke with a start.
Daddio was going to jail.
As clear as the day it happened I had a memory of sitting in court next to Daddio.
We both watched, transfixed, as the man with the gavel spoke and judged person after person.
"How do you plead?" Mr. Judge asked...
and person after person after person after person after person, no matter what the offense was or what the plea was, the outcome was judged the same.
Each and every person...
GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY....
And then came Daddio's turn.
Fresh off a diet of too many Clint Eastwood movies and The Billy Jack Trilogy certainly had my young Daddio not thinking straight as was evidenced by the following exchange.
After raising his hand and swearing to be be truthful, Daddio looked toward the Judge.
"How do you plead, young man?" the Judge asked.
"Ummm, does it matter?" Daddio asked smugly "does it really even matter what I plead?"
Holy freakin shit...Daddio just said... "does it matter what I plead?" to the Judge!!!
"YOU SIR ARE ASKING...NO SIR!!! YOU ARE BEGGING... FOR A CONTEMPT OF COURT CHARGE" Mr Judge spat at a grinning Daddio.
The Judge's nostrils flared and he glared at Daddio over the top of his reading glasses.
He tapped on his desk waiting for a more appropriate response.
The rest of the story is a blur.
Luckily, Daddio came to his senses and made the wise decision to play by the rules.
But he'd angered the Judge and he didn't go easy on him.
Daddio paid a hefty fine for his freedom.
I hadn't thought about that day in court for years....
Daddio was a young kid then, filled with ideas of right and wrong.
He called it like he saw it.
Billy Jack and Clint Eastwood would have been proud.
In real life Daddio's learned a thing or two along the way.
More than likely he'll be a bit intimidated and genuinely respectful today in court.
And he'll keep his trap clamped.
I'm scared though....
I don't have it in me to break in another one.
I'm printing out this picture and stapling it to the court notice. A little reminder of all the comforts of his potential new home.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Diary of a mad housewife....
Dear diary,
We have another mouse in our house.
Another mouse in our house.
(Dear Googie....if you are reading this and I have not yet spoken to you about this intruder...forgive me, it was too early to wake you up and scare you...hope you will forgive me. Walk hard and carry a big stick.... Love, Mom)
Have I told you lately how much I hate small things that sneak about my house (uninvited) and threaten to jump and run and scare the bejesus outta me?
I'm sure by now you know that I'm so jumpy I have to leave the room when the loveables are making anything using those damned canned biscuits that POP when you least expect it.
And my heart stops when a Jack in the Box blows...
It sucks being this jumpy..."a hen on a hot griddle" (my stepmom's description).
So from now on, until this creature is found I have to stomp (to make lots of noise) around my house wearing Daddio's old Doc Martin boots.
I'll be cringing before I sit down on the pot in the middle of the night....
I have no doubt, (none whatsoever) that Mighty Mouse/Rat can swim...or maybe float on some toilet paper left unflushed....
waiting to strike, to take a nibble.
We learned of this particular mouse when Bear and his girlfriend came up from the cave to report that they'd seen a creature running above their heads across the large square fluorescent light fixture....
"It had a huge, long tail" said the Devine Miss M,
"It might have been a rat"...
"Mouse? Rat? What the hell is the difference?
(Please..don't anyone write to tell me, thank you)
Daddio got out of bed and went to the area of the sighting, mouse trap in hand.
"THAT" he said pointing to a (very) small pile of white clothes laundry sitting on the basement floor next to the washing machine..."that right there is WHY we have a MOUSE in this HOUSE"
"Huh?" said I.
"They like dirty laundry?"
"They like moisture" he snapped.
"And that is why they are down here, because we (that means me) have laundry laying all over the place"....
(Ohhhh freakin brother....)
After he set the trap he came upstairs and began cleaning the two or three small dessert plates left in the sink by the kids.
He cleaned every crumb from the counters.
I waited to see if he was going to sweep the floor too...(he didn't).
Later, back in bed, he told me that part of the problem is that we leave the dog food out.
"We used to pick it up off the floor at night" he reminded me.
(Previous uninvited mouse folk have eaten a chunk out of an ugly ugly green sweater that I left laying in the basement on a pile of other crap I didn't want, the beard of a really cool Santa that I got for 50% off at Michaels at an after Christmas sale, they also ate part of a foreign dollar bill that I'd been saving for years, and they even chewed up a hunk of pink fiberglass insulation...)
"I really don't think they are all that picky" I said to Daddio (remember??? you just told me that they eat dirty white towels and underwear off the basement floor??)
I tried to mentally add the cost of purchasing enough plastic storage bins to box up all our crap...
(We'd need to win the lottery.)
"They are after your pantry" Daddio said quietly before he went to sleep,
and just as he was about to drift off....
"they can smell all those things you have in there...those spices".
In my head I sing my sweet Knight in Shining Armor, the Mighty Mouse Hunter a good night lullaby...
"Have I told you lately that I love yooooo, have I told yoooooou there's no one else above yoooooou, fill my heart with laughter (FREAKIN,hysterical laughter.....)...shooooobeeeedobeedooobeeedoooobeeedo"
"Why are you shakin the bed???"
We have another mouse in our house.
Another mouse in our house.
(Dear Googie....if you are reading this and I have not yet spoken to you about this intruder...forgive me, it was too early to wake you up and scare you...hope you will forgive me. Walk hard and carry a big stick.... Love, Mom)
Have I told you lately how much I hate small things that sneak about my house (uninvited) and threaten to jump and run and scare the bejesus outta me?
I'm sure by now you know that I'm so jumpy I have to leave the room when the loveables are making anything using those damned canned biscuits that POP when you least expect it.
And my heart stops when a Jack in the Box blows...
It sucks being this jumpy..."a hen on a hot griddle" (my stepmom's description).
So from now on, until this creature is found I have to stomp (to make lots of noise) around my house wearing Daddio's old Doc Martin boots.
I'll be cringing before I sit down on the pot in the middle of the night....
I have no doubt, (none whatsoever) that Mighty Mouse/Rat can swim...or maybe float on some toilet paper left unflushed....
waiting to strike, to take a nibble.
We learned of this particular mouse when Bear and his girlfriend came up from the cave to report that they'd seen a creature running above their heads across the large square fluorescent light fixture....
"It had a huge, long tail" said the Devine Miss M,
"It might have been a rat"...
"Mouse? Rat? What the hell is the difference?
(Please..don't anyone write to tell me, thank you)
Daddio got out of bed and went to the area of the sighting, mouse trap in hand.
"THAT" he said pointing to a (very) small pile of white clothes laundry sitting on the basement floor next to the washing machine..."that right there is WHY we have a MOUSE in this HOUSE"
"Huh?" said I.
"They like dirty laundry?"
"They like moisture" he snapped.
"And that is why they are down here, because we (that means me) have laundry laying all over the place"....
(Ohhhh freakin brother....)
After he set the trap he came upstairs and began cleaning the two or three small dessert plates left in the sink by the kids.
He cleaned every crumb from the counters.
I waited to see if he was going to sweep the floor too...(he didn't).
Later, back in bed, he told me that part of the problem is that we leave the dog food out.
"We used to pick it up off the floor at night" he reminded me.
(Previous uninvited mouse folk have eaten a chunk out of an ugly ugly green sweater that I left laying in the basement on a pile of other crap I didn't want, the beard of a really cool Santa that I got for 50% off at Michaels at an after Christmas sale, they also ate part of a foreign dollar bill that I'd been saving for years, and they even chewed up a hunk of pink fiberglass insulation...)
"I really don't think they are all that picky" I said to Daddio (remember??? you just told me that they eat dirty white towels and underwear off the basement floor??)
I tried to mentally add the cost of purchasing enough plastic storage bins to box up all our crap...
(We'd need to win the lottery.)
"They are after your pantry" Daddio said quietly before he went to sleep,
and just as he was about to drift off....
"they can smell all those things you have in there...those spices".
In my head I sing my sweet Knight in Shining Armor, the Mighty Mouse Hunter a good night lullaby...
"Have I told you lately that I love yooooo, have I told yoooooou there's no one else above yoooooou, fill my heart with laughter (FREAKIN,hysterical laughter.....)...shooooobeeeedobeedooobeeedoooobeeedo"
"Why are you shakin the bed???"
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