My daughter in law's mother is dying.
Actively dying as I type this post.
I've never met such a fighter, or someone with such a good attitude about the shitty "cards" she's been dealt.
She worked a lot longer than most people with stage four cancer do.
She smiled a lot longer too.
I'm ashamed of myself that I didn't get to see her more often.
It's really really hard and I'm a wuss.
I'm also ashamed to admit that truth about myself.
I bought a recordable story book that I wished I could have had the nerve to take to her house.
I've had it for over a year, I bought it when I learned how sick Princess Buttercup's mom was.
The book sits on a dresser in our computer room, right in plain sight, it daily reminds me of all of my shortcomings.
Be brave, live life.
Part of living is dying.
"Just do it" the book says to me.
Every single day it says to me "you are running out of time".
Our children, Buttercup and his Mrs. don't have children yet, my plan when buying the book was so that Princess Buttercup would have a story book, being read by her mom to share with her future children.
It was a grand plan.
And in a perfect world it would have been perfectly executed by a emotionally strong, healthy friend of a dying woman.
Obviously, she was not me.
My daughter in law's mom is awake every 4 hours or so. Hospice has instructed them to religiously keep on the medicine schedule.
These days it's all about pain managment.
Excruciating pain that causes agonizing screams if too much time passes between doses.
My daughter in law is too young to lose her mother.
Then again, every child of every age is too young to lose their mother.
I have to muster up all my courage to visit today.
This time there will be no saying "maybe this next treatment will help".
Mustering up the courage to say goodbye is nothing in comparison to my friend's courage in leaving her daughter and husband.
She has no choice.
That breaks my heart.
I want to tell her what a good girl she raised.
And selfishly I want to ask her to tell her daughter that it is okay to let me love her and care for her like a mother does, that it won't be disloyal to her.
I have to put on my big girl panties and my game face.
Googie said to bring the book.
Be brave, live life.
Thank you for listening.